Post-TI thoughts, and a moment to slow down

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything, mostly because life has taken a bit of a weird and busy turn since I last found myself with any creative motivation.

I’ve left my apartment and moved back in with my parents temporarily while I figure out a new living situation; the last apartment was a bit of a mess, from bedbugs to construction to the summer heat with lack of an air conditioner. Basically it taught me a lot about what I’m willing to sacrifice and put up with, but ultimately it never really felt like home and ended up just being a general nightmare.

Since then, it’s been nice to be around people again. We’ve also moved my grandma out of the house that I spent much of my childhood and adolescent life in, so there’s just been a lot of changes all around. I’m currently occupying a room in a basement in a separate in-law suite, with most of my stuff in boxes in the garage.

Mentally, things have been a bit on the rough side for me lately. I’ve had some interesting experiences in getting off older medication, and quitting it cold turkey left me going through withdrawal symptoms for the first time; I generally wouldn’t recommend it. I was at a bit of a crossroads and figured that they weren’t doing a lot for me, and after two years it’d be better to take my chances starting over from something new.

Since then I’ve gotten on new meds, and it’s been an interesting month in acclimating to them. A lot of my current anxiety revolves around the concept of time, and it being wasted; as I get older I creep past the points in my life when I thought I would “have my life together,” and it generally freaks me out. I had a tendency to put off getting things in order (like my general health or relationships), reasoning that I had plnty of time to be able to pull myself together and not “waste” “the prime years of my life” in what was general disappointment or dissatisfaction.

Now I’m 29, and not a lot of that stuff has come to pass, mostly due to my own fault, and the inability to control every facet of my life. I’m both learning what I’m capable of changing (breaking bad habits) and letting go of what I can’t micromanage, predict, or solve.

When you’ve baked a certain way of thinking into your head, letting go of it is hard. Being able to identify this complex I have specifically with wasted time makes it easier to catch myself in the act, but it feels a bit frustrating because replacing one way of thinking with another is hard; you have to believe the change you’re making is for the best, and letting go of the desire to control in order to face the possibility of disappointment you can’t control is daunting and scary.

That’s what’s so different about my new medication — whether it’s the combination of forcing myself to slow down to recover from post-TI strep throat, or it actually taking effect, suddenly the usual triggers don’t send me into an anxious place anymore.

While that’s good, that’s also weird; it means there’s suddenly a gap that used to be taken up with thinking or actions that were at least “on the journey” to recovery. Without that journey, I suddenly feel like I lack more identity. It highlights how certain days just feel like coasting or nothing. I don’t spiral, but at the same time, that spiraling at least told me I was doing mental work that would hopefully lead to some “ah-ha” moment that would make everything better.

Now there’s less stress on my brain, but I’m not sure if it’s going to be replaced with anything more positive or useful. Suddenly, it’s just silence.

It’s up to me to see where that goes.

Thanks for reading.