On the hard break
If you’re a creator or have read any kind of generic inspirational quote in the last ten years, you’ll have heard that following your passion is probably the best route to not hating your job.
For the past four years, I’ve been working in esports under a wide assortment of job titles: I’ve been a writer, editor, video/GIF guy, interviewer, social media and marketing consultant, broker and a half-dozen other one-time jobs. It’s only now that I’m realizing that I’ve been doing it mostly wrong.
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When I got into esports, I had an interest in League of Legends as a game, and saw an industry that had opportunity and potential to grow. As a journalism graduate, I had been told that my industry was essentially dead and/or dying, and well, you go where the work is.
I saw room for someone that had a formal background in storytelling while still being able to “get” all the community intangibles that makes things like The International or Evo so great. Good instincts, at least, right?
The problem is that my goals and the methods that I approached them were flawed. My primary goal getting into esports was somewhat of an amorphous mess: get a following/audience for myself, and then leverage that audience into more stability and writing opportunities. In journalism or general creative fields, followers are a safety net and help get more lucrative work (especially if you need to pitch things); the focus on this was kind of borne from a desperation to make sure I wasn’t going to be poor and struggling forever.
While it isn’t necessarily a bad thing to want attention, fame or validation from the work you produce, you cannot have that be your primary factor. If you’re constantly basing your self-worth and value off the response your work gets, you won’t be able to keep a stable mindset or consistent enough product to weather the storm that is slowly grinding out success based on a personal brand.
The correct (or well, better) way of going about this is to genuinely have a passion about that thing you’re covering — in this case, the games themselves. I can tell you that many more talented creators than I have been able to build something for themselves based on their obsession and curiosity; while not mandatory, those qualities help because you’re able to be motivated and take the initiative to explore areas that lead you to finally breaking through to something people really want or like.
I had an interview with Julian Zhu a couple weeks ago where he talked about a “short hop laser” in relation to content creation. As a Super Smash Bros player, a “short hop laser” is a technique one character uses as the base of his offense; how the opponent reacts to it informs his further decisions and allows him to react appropriately.
Applying that to content, you need to have a stable, preferably successful thing that you do as a foundation. From there, you can explore, knowing that even if you fail, you’ll at least be able to have something that keeps you going — both in growing your community and personal fulfillment.
I don’t have that; I’m not sure I ever have. My attention has pinballed around different pursuits without actually attaching itself for a long enough time to start building.
I also haven’t had that because of a focus on the results of a project, more than the work itself. I’ve found the concepts of newsletters, Patreons, Teesprings, pay-what-you-can storefronts, crowdfunding and Twitch partnership vastly more interesting than the actual act of making the thing that gets you to those places.
That’s all stuff that’s supposed to come after you put in the time to produce something that people actually like. I wanted to become a rock star without actually liking to make music. I wanted to travel to cool places, meet cool people and do cool things without doing the work to justify me getting to do all those things.
This kept me from embracing behind-the-scenes work I’m actually kind of good at because it felt like it defeated the purpose: I got into esports in order to avoid hating my job, so why would I settle and just be happy to get a paycheck? My negativity would then spiral out, wondering if I was actually allowed to feel bad because so many other people have it much worse.
In short, the job became much more than just work due to the pressure I put on myself; success became something I needed for a social life, personal validation, money, independence and growth. Turning 27 in my parents’ basement made me feel pathetic because I didn’t want to be one of those people forever struggling for a dream that they weren’t actually talented enough to do.
But that’s the thing, right? My dream wasn’t actually well-formed enough to feel like I had a decent path to it. It was always this vague concept that I didn’t know how to describe: get a fanbase, make money, get to live a sweet life. In order to accomplish that, you need that short hop laser. Again, I didn’t have it.
I’ve ended up in this weird “half-in” mental haze where I wasn’t putting forth my best work or effort while still letting response to that lack of effort dictate my happiness. I had a very rough couple of weeks last month which led to some tough therapy appointments, which led to here. I’m currently enthusiastic or excited about little; I’ll have a decent day or two of focus, then a terrible five of depression, hopelessness and negativity.
To be direct, I’ve decided that the best course of action is to quit everything and spend some time to get healthier; I want to see if I can divorce myself from the need for validation and just start creating because I want to. I want to see if I there is the potential for genuine passion there, and if so, approach it for the right reasons.
This also means disconnecting from esports as much as I can, mostly because overthinking leads me into dumb places with self-comparison, envy, bitterness and jealousy. I don’t want to take that out on other people or have it jade my experience.
I’ve massively culled my networks in Facebook and Twitter (sorry, it isn’t personal) and will be trying to spend as much time away from Reddit and streams as I can; I need to be able to not think “they’re there, and I’m here” or “I’m starting over from nothing” while I’m giving myself the time to experiment.
This isn’t the dramatic “I’m leaving esports” speech, but I need to be prepared to move on from it if I have to. I have to do what’s right for me and my health; I’m tired of the instability. I’m tired of the mini-breakdowns I have on every esports trip. I hate not having many close friendships due to overthinking and social anxiety. I hate being “half-in” because I’m not satisfied with coasting in mediocrity.
The reason I’m writing this all out is because it’s inevitable that more people are going to see the esports/gaming/Twitch/content creator lifestyle as glamorous and approach it because of what’s offered at the top, not because of what they have to offer and how they can make that work.
I want them to not make the same mistakes I did, and perhaps correct their course to something healthier, more sustainable and altogether better for them. People invested in passionate work not only reduces breakdowns and drama, but also produces better stuff across the board.
Don’t be afraid to talk with people who support you, and don’t be afraid to express yourself in your work. Embrace your passions, be honest with yourself, and challenge your perceptions in order to grow.
Respect yourself in the work that you do and how others treat you.
Thanks for reading. I’ll be in touch.
— M
